Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Answering the Call...

May 2008...March 2009 You will think answering a call wouldn't take this long! But for a perfectionist, control freak person like me, it did. When I realized God's call for me was that of being a wife and mother, like with everything else, I decided to give it my all. All my efforts, energy, plan A B...Z! You name it. Shortly, after only just five years of marriage and two beautiful children, I was completely exhausted, physically, mentally and spiritually. I had driven myself into such a chronic state of anxiety that I was experiencing panic attacks every day. I was going to daily mass at the time and I remember one day severely overwhelmed, trying to make it through communion without passing out, when I completely broke down in tears and asked God "Please help me! I don't know where to go to from here, I don't know what to do!"

I remained "broken" since that day and even though things got worst physically, spiritually that desperate prayer opened a door of healing for my soul. I started reading a book I had on our Little Flower, St. Therese, and shortly afterwards one from St. Francis de Sales. I felt as I had just started therapy with our Divine Master and every minute of reading kept echoing the same thing..."Come to me, just as you are, broken...I will provide the rest" The concept of Divine Providence took a new meaning for me as soon as I was able to accept my true nature. That of nothingness, of total dependence on God. I had nothing to offer Him for this amazing call he had bestowed upon me...nothing but my will on wanting to do it. And you know what? That was exactly what He wanted. Every other expectation I had created myself and I was on a race to prove the world and myself, I could do it all. Even though I was practicing frequent reception of the sacraments and having an active prayer life, I had given my Sweet Jesus permission just to watch, not to lead me or to act in me...HUGE MISTAKE!

Now as I mother my children and take care of my home and keep working on the promise I made to my husband in helping each other in our walk to heaven, I start my day lifting up my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father and keep Him with me through the day close enough that I can see His hand and not mine directing our every word, action and thought. And even though I am still "broken" I have never felt so at peace. I know Who's in charge of my broken pieces and that as long as my heart keeps its doors opens, my Dear Pysician will continue my healing.

Dear Blessed Mother;
Help us be more like you. May our constant need of control, pride and lack of trust don't harden our hearts to the point that we can't see who we really are and our total dependence in your Divine Son's Providence. May we be able to start our days answering the call just as you did: "Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it done unto me according to thy word."

1 comment:

Kate Wicker @ Momopoly said...

This is so beautiful and spoke to me on many levels. Thank you for sharing it with me, and thank you for weaving words together in such an honest way. I have to remember that sometimes all God asks of me is to show up - even when I feel broken and like I have nothing to offer him.